Our days in the hospital

A mother should never have to walk out of the hospital doors without her baby.  It is so hard to leave your baby.  I don't think anyone can understand this unless you have been through it.  Your emotions are already heightened from just having a baby, you shouldn't have to worry about anything else than taking your baby home and cuddling them all day long.  We spent 8 days in the NICU, in my profession I see mothers spend weeks, months and up to a year with their child in the hospital. I don't know how they do it.  I was emotionally spent by the end of 8 days.  I had children at home to worry about as well as a child in the hospital.  I am blessed to have an incredible mother who did my laundry, grocery shopping, cleaned my house, took care of my kids......and neighbors who brought dinner and flowers and visited in the hospital.  We literally felt the love and prayers and support of everyone.  It made it so much easier to be able to spend time at the hospital with our baby.

Joshua spent a day on CPAP and then was able to move to a nasal cannula.  He had a heart ultrasound that showed he has an ASD, a small hole in his heart. Other than that Joshua is seemingly healthy.

The above picture brings tears to my eyes. It is a moment captured that I hope to never forget.  This was the first time our kids were able to meet our baby.  As we talked to them about how special Joshua is and some of the hardships he will face in his life, the Spirit in the room was so strong.  It was a feeling of peace and love.  I looked around and my kids and husband and was filled with an indescribable amount of love.  And the feeling I had been longing to feel....that my family was complete.  We were all here together, and we are blessed.  As I told my kids that Joshua didn't need to prove himself in this life, that he would automatically be able to return to live with Heavenly Father, my kids were in awe.  They thought that was so neat!  They don't grasp what is going to come with a Joshua as there brother.  But at this time, they don't need to.  They just love him.  They love him with all of their hearts.

We still did not have a name picked out for our baby. We knew it needed to be special.  A name that meant something.  The name Joshua was way down on the list of baby names I liked.  I tend to like "trendy" names.  My mom and Jeff were visiting Joshua while looking up meaning of some of the names on our long list.  Joshua means "God is Salvation". Meanwhile, I was up in my hospital room, praying that we might be able to come up with a name for this special baby.  A few minutes later Jeff and my mom walked in and told me what the meaning of Joshua was.  What a quick answer to a prayer.  We had spent 8 months trying to come up with a name! Joshua Warren Decker.  Warren is my father's name.  We tease him about his name sometimes, but I don't know anyone more deserving to have a grandchild named after them than my dad.  We had planned on having our babies middle name Warren all along, but having such a special child with my dad's name is even more meaningful.

I walked in to Joshua's room knowing I wouldn't be able to hold him because he was on bili lights. And I saw this gift sitting on the chair.  My heart sunk.  I started to cry. Reality check.  Your child has Down Syndrome.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It took my breath away.  Time to deal with this.  But later as I opened the booklet there were pictures of my childhood friends darling boy and a high school acquaintances 2 children with Down Syndrome as well.  Again came the feeling of peace and comfort knowing I have help and support from those that know firsthand the journey I am starting.

I remember the day we were given the chromosome test results.  My younger sister and my best friend were in the hospital visiting us. Our nurse informed us that the test results had come back and asked if we wanted the Nurse Practitioner to privately tell us the results.  I said "no, I already know the results".  These people I had with me are the people that will be helping me in this journey and I am glad they were there to hear, "your test results show your child has Down Syndrome."  I was fine.  Jeff was fine.  We were already at peace and already in love with this little child.

I am so grateful that my children were able to visit Joshua, as hard as it was trying to control children in the hospital, I think it is so important for them to be able to start to bond with the baby as well.  And they did.  They love him.

As I layed down with my 6year old after a long day at the hospital he showed me the picture he drew in school for Joshua.  It melted my heart.  "I love you Josh".  And then he sobbed. He didn't just cry.  He literally sobbed and sobbed.  He wanted his family home, all together.  He didn't want me to go to the hospital any more, he didn't want his baby brother in the hospital anymore, he wanted me home when he got home from school.  And I sobbed and sobbed. I wanted, no needed, my baby home and our family all together under one roof.

One good thing about being a NICU nurse is I knew the doctors.  They let me take this sweet boy home, knowing I was capable of taking care of him from home.  So after 8 long days, we were home all together.  Nothing felt better.  We were tired.  Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired. But we were home together as a family, and nothing is more important.