How are journey began....

This blog is a place for our family to journal our journey with our son Joshua who was born with down syndrome.  This is our story, it will be filled with it's ups and it's downs.  But so is life.  Life doesn't always go the way you imagined or dreamed.  But I believe the twists and turns in our life are given to us to shape us and mold us into better people.  I believe that Joshua is here to teach US.  Not just me and my family, but those he comes in contact with.  For that reason I have felt strongly that I need to share our story.  I know he is not just here for me, but for others as well.  So I will do whatever I need to for him to fulfill his purpose on this earth.  So here is our story.....

We had tried for a couple of years to have a child, I had been on fertility medication for months and on high doses.  We had a miscarriage.  We tried high doses of fertility medication again, and had a little baby boy 4 years after we were married.  We couldn't have been happier to have a healthy baby boy. Three years later, after several months on fertility medication we had our second boy.  Then out of the blue we found out we were pregnant with our third child.  At only 23 months apart we had our baby girl.  She is such a joy, but it was hard for me having 2 kids so close together.  I wanted one more child, but wanted to wait a good 3 years.  My husband wasn't sure he wanted another one.  We had 3 healthy children, who are a handful.  A couple of years went by and I started to see little glimpses of freedom...no diapers, children getting dressed by themselves, a couple of hours a week when all kids were in school.....I wasn't sure I could go back to having a newborn.  But my husband changed his tune.  He came home from the temple one day and said that he felt like we were suppose to have another child.  The thought of fertility medication made me sick, so I agreed to try and get pregnant without medication, after all our last baby was a surprise, and if we were really suppose to have another child, then God would send it.  A year later still no baby.  I was confused and mentally worn down.  I prayed to Heavenly Father and told Him I would do medication for 3 months, that is it, if I was not pregnant after that, then I was done. I couldn't physically or mentally go beyond that.  Well after one month on medication, I was pregnant.  I was sick.  So sick.  I don't do pregnancy well.  At times I wondered what I had done.  How could I handle this pregnancy, how can I handle 4 children, how can I raise a child in today's scary world?

At about 16 weeks pregnant I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not quite right with this pregnancy.  I had my husband give me a priesthood blessing.  The blessing never assured me everything was fine, I was told how "special" this child would be to our family. This was not  much comfort to me, but my husband still felt things were fine.  So I tried to brush these thoughts aside, knowing as a NICU nurse, I have every right to worry that something was wrong, because that is all I see.  I was just being paranoid, right?  But the feelings didn't go away.  At, our first ultrasound there was a bright spot found on his heart. Which we were told could be a soft marker for Down Syndrome.  We had a quad test done, with negative results.  As the months went by, the impressions that not everything was right with the baby became stronger and stronger.  There were days that I was preparing myself with the fact that I may not be bringing home this baby at all.  That whatever was wrong, may not be survivable.  I was impressed on several occasions to tell my husband to prepare himself for this child, because not everything was going to go as we imagined.  

This baby did not move like my other babies move.  I chalked it up to the fact that I was so busy most days that I rarely sat down long enough to notice the kicking.  At my doctor's appointment, I again emphasized the fact that this baby did not move and kick like my other babies had.  The doctor casually asked to pay more attention and start to count movements.  A few days went by, and as I was sitting in church, I thought, I have 3 hours, I might as well count here.  Three hours went by, and not until the last 5 minutes did the baby move.  Not big movements, but he moved.

It was a Monday, my house cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry day.  I felt impression after impression to call the doctor.  To ask if 3 hours was too long to not feel the baby.  They had me come in right away for a stress test.  They couldn't get the baby to respond like they wanted, so they sent me to labor and delivery.  I thought I was just having an ultra sound, I called my husband to tell him that maybe he should come to the hospital.  As I was starting to get checked in to labor and delivery, I was told that my doctor may want to deliver me later that night.  But within a few minutes, the nurses started to pick up the pace.  I had a feeling this baby was coming sooner than I thought.  I asked the nurse if I needed my husband here.  She asked me how long it would take him to get there.  When I told her 35 minutes, she told me he would not be making it to the delivery.  So here I was having an emergency c-section all by myself.

Our little baby boy was born on November 4th.  Weighing 4lbs 13 oz and 18.25 inches long.  He was 4 weeks early.

As the nurses wheeled me into the NICU, the neonatologist informed me that he was on CPAP, and that they had done a heart ultrasound and sent some labs.  I asked point blank, does he have Down Syndrome?  He told me that they had seen enough features to send chromosomes.  I was wheeled into the NICU and immediately grabbed his hands and feet, no simian crease.  I couldn't see his face, so I had the nurse move his head.  Right when she did, I said to my husband, he has Down Syndrome, you know that right?

For me I wasn't in shock.  I feel my Father in Heaven had been preparing me for months for this news.  The amount of peace I felt for weeks prior to and at the birth of my child was so strong and so comforting.  For this I am eternally grateful.  I am so grateful that the birth of this baby could still be a happy time and not one of shock and grief.  I was truly at peace, and I thank my  Heavely Father for that wonderful gift.

I won't say that I didn't have thoughts running through my head like, "this child will never marry, this child will never drive a car, or go on a mission.  What is their life expectancy? Will this child live with me forever?" And I cried. Late that night in the hospital bed by myself I cried.  For a minute I cried. I hurt for him, not for me.  But that was it.  I knew I couldn't look too far into the future, it was too hard and too overwhelming.  I am not prepared for that.  I was not trying to be naive, just cope.  For now I had an adorable, seemingly healthy new baby.  That was all that matter.
I could already feel his sweet spirit. I was already in love with this little peanut.  He was mine and he is loved. I thank my Heavenly Father for this beautiful boy. I thank him for preparing me with the intuition that something was wrong, I thank Him for the amount I peace I was given and is still giving me today with the diagnosis of Down Syndrome. What a blessing this baby will be. I whispered to this baby, that I am inadequate to be his mother, but I promise him to do my best.